I Take It Back.

My neighbors have issues, but I think their issues are much more complicated than not liking our harmless dogs. I take back the not-so-nice tone in which I wrote and ask that you say a prayer for them. Also, if anyone knows how to create an invisible force field around our house, I'm looking for estimates....

I am also...

A time waster.

I've had a morning of no classes.... and what have I done?

Email. All morning.

I haven't graded one paper. I haven't been the least bit productive.

Do I feel bad?

No.

What is wrong with me?

My parents raised me to be responsible and hard-working, and here I sit, loafing. So sad... so sad...

Does anyone else suffer from this disorder? I know I have a grading deadline next week, but still, here I sit. This is also a problem when it comes to housework... but that's an entirely different story.

Is there a treatment? A solution? Can I hire someone to grade for me?!?!

Any volunteers???

Sigh. I'm going.

Blog Overload

I almost had a serious crisis.

I went to log on to my blog, and the school had blocked the website.

Panic, wheezing included, ensued.

Obviously, they've rethought their stance on blocking my blog because here I am, in all of my wonderous glory, blogging away while my students take a writing test.

I should probably be grading other stuff, but what the heck! I like to live dangerously.

Anyway, once the panic lessened enough for me to breathe, it reminded me of the cell phone blowup of earlier in the year.

I'll make it short, since I can't remember if I blogged about this and am too lazy to look...

My first phone, a lovely Chocolate number of which I was very fond, was apparently highly sensitive to water/condensation... and apparently early morning telephone calls before the first volleyball tournament of the year out in the middle of a grass field next to the school (being the only place I could get reception) don't really agree with highly sensitive technological equipment.

MY solution: make a better phone or get your signal fixed.

VERIZON'S solution: laugh at the peon.

To make a long story short, the phone died, taking with it my contact list. I ordered a new phone, which I was told I qualified to recieve for free.... only I didn't recieve it (or any contact as to why not). When I finally was able to reach someone who could tell me what the problem was, it seemed my phone would not be free. I paid for the phone and then waited another week and a half to receive the phone, during which time I experienced an automotive crisis and had to depend on total strangers to ensure the well-being of my two kids and myself.

After all of that... I got the new phone -- a much lovelier orange thing -- for free.

And was named CEO of Verizon after theirs mysteriously lost his head to a very foul-tempered woman from some small town in the middle of nowhere.

Ok, I'm not CEO, but I did get the phone and some other bonuses for free.

The whole point is that I was completely lost without my cell, and I was about freak out about being out of touch with the outside world via the internet.

Alas, the problem is solved, and my heart beat has returned to normal. I've checked all of my normal blog sites, and they are all working. You, too, can relax and know that, for today at least, the blog is still up and running.

This gives you great peace, I know.

Showing my Rear...

Literally. Well, let me preface this with some background info:

Ethan, who has struggled a bit with the realization that he cannot show his superpowers at school (i.e. You can't hit somebody just because he/she is standing where you want to be), is on the sticker system.

If he has a good day, he gets a sticker. If he collects five stickers in a week, then we do something special, which usually involves Target, as he believes that Target was made specifically for his enjoyment.

Now, back to the funny stuff:

Friday afternoon, we celebrated our first five-sticker week with a trip to Target after dinner. Sounds simple enough, right? We pull into the parking space and start to unload the kids. As usual, we park next to a buggy thingy (because this makes the most sense to me, as I'm usually alone, with two kids and bags to unload... If I'm next to the cart thingy, I can put up my cart with minimal risk that some freak is going to try to steal one of my kids.)

I grab a buggy and roll it back to the car for Laney. Ethan is following close behind me. I'm thinking he's being a good little pumpkin.... He has other ideas.

As I approach K and Laney, a car turns down the aisle. Now my back is to the car, but it's headlights were huge and completely engulfed our little family in light... right about the time Ethan pulls the back of my dress up, fully extending his arms over his head and giggles, "Mommy, I see your hiney!"

Yes, son, so did every customer in the Target parking lot.

I was mortified, of course, because 1) I don't normally show my rearend like that and 2) I was wearing non-show-off quality undies. Not ugly, but definitely more comfy that cute.

At this point, K. was laughing so hard he was about to cry, Ethan thought he'd done something hysterical because his daddy was so tickled, and Laney was shrieking and cackling with no clue as to what was so funny.

I, on the other hand, was contemplating digging to China while wondering if such escapades were included in the Mommy Handbook chapters that I skipped...

My question is, "Why does this always happen to the Mommy?" I mean, I carry you in my belly, get stretch marks and all sorts of grossness, get up with you in the middle of the night and early on Saturday mornings. I take you to the park and to playdates. I buy your clothes and food and toys.

Why can't, for once, you pull your dad's pants down or something instead of lifting my dress or pulling the neck of my sweater down to expose my hoo-hoos to the elderly gentleman in the Brooks Brothers store? Vomit on your dad at work or ask him, while in the public restroom, if he has to go stinky or why the person next to him in the stall is making those silly noises.

Believe me, I'm tallying up the score. You just wait until you're about 15 and realize that we aren't as cool as you once thought.

It's gonna be on like Donkey Kong....

Oh, and...

Nix what I said about our neighbors liking animals. They don't like our dogs, and we are now officially enemies.

How can you not like Boudreaux, king of smelly lapdog boxers? Zelda -- I can understand her. We love her, but she has a princess complex (common in our family, apparently), and thus is very picky about the company she keeps.

Boo for mean neighbors who seem nice but then "anonymously" call animal control on well-loved, immunized, snuggly beasts.

Question

Does anyone else still make a Christmas list?

I've been working on lists for my family for about a month now, and I'm shocked to find that few people (as in ADULTS) actually make lists still.

I'm disturbed by this, as I think we should make lists for every holiday as well as general gift guides so as to avoid awkward/heinous/repeat gifts.

I am a list freak, though, so I don't know if everyone feels the same.

Now, I know it's really the spirit of giving that counts, and I'm not trying to sound greedy here. It's not the quantity of money spent but rather the quality of the gift. I, for example, love pens --specifically the felt tip Flair pens. They aren't terribly expensive, but a 4-pack of Flairs just lights up my life. I once had a co-worker give me a loaf of bread, a jar of creamy peanut butter, and a jar of grape jelly as a going away gift. I loved it and was so excited -- because 1) I love smooth pb & grape jelly sandwiches and 2) he paid attention to detail -- smooth, not crunchy; grape not strawberry.

That's what I'm talking about!

Now, K used to be a bad gift giver, but he has improved tremendously. I recently celebrated my *gasp* 30th birthday, and it was quite traumatic for me. (I loved being a 20-something, even when I was driving a mini-van.)

Before our first Christmas together, I pointed out several page-a-day calendars that I liked. (I'm also a calendar freak.)

I expected one.

He gave me seven.

Seven.

Do you have any idea how long it takes to maintain 7 page-a-day calendars? I put them in my classroom (because I do like calendars), but I had to assign the duty to a student. It was too time-consuming.

Now, there's nothing wrong with excess, but I was shocked. I didn't have enough open surface area in my room. I had to double them up.

And then there was the year that I paid the mortgage twice right before Christmas, and we were flat broke until two days before Christmas. I'd had my Christmas shopping done for a month, but K. had bought nothing.

Over the years, though I didn't think he could top last year. LAST year, I had a volleyball game on my birthday, but when I got home, he had gone all out: pizza from my favorite pizzeria, complete with chocolate chip pizza (which is my favorite food in the entire world) for dessert (4 of them -- one for dessert and three to snack on as I saw fit!). The gifts were thoughtful -- two maroon and black bags for me to use for coaching (one small, one large) and an assortment of other gifts... but the kicker was this: he had my Clemson diploma framed with a beautiful picture of Tillman Hall, the main education building and former residence of Toad where I have so many fond childhood memories of growing up as a Tiger.

It still brings tears to my eyes.

It wouldn't have mattered if he'd laminated the two together -- it was the idea, the thought, the effort behind it that made it so special.

This year, though, he came through again. My birthday was incredible. We celebrated for two days. A friend of mine (Cory, you rock!) planned the party, and Keith helped assemble the details....

And thus, the ultimate Wonder Woman (my childhood hero) 30th birthday bash was given.

He and Cory assembled my Clemson girls for a night of good eats and good times, and it was magical. I got to wear the crown. I got my own Wonder Woman cake. There were Wonder Woman decorations everywhere.... and my girls were there. Life doesn't get much better, as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, several people have commented (upon seeing me slave over my Christmas list) that I am in the minority, but I say there should be a gift list movement!

Register for general holiday and spontaneous gift giving ideas! (How many times have you gone to buy a gift and had no idea what to get? Wouldn't this solve this issue?!?)

Register for sizes and quantities and colors! (That way, if you want 74 place settings of china, you can get them over the next 50 years of your life! If you wear a size 8, you won't get size 24 pajamas!)

Gifts, of course, wouldn't be limited to just the list; the lists should be used as a guide.

Gift givers of the world, UNITE! Bad gift givers can be reformed with a little patience and guided shopping opportunities! No one should have to suffer opening another awkward/heinous/repeat gift again!